Being from Iran, unfairness has played a big part in my life. No real social safety net, difficult economic advancement, terrible inequality in general, in addition to just generally terrible conditions of living that make everything worse. You have a classmate that goes to Europe every year, when there are people in the city that have never been to a Persian speaking city in their lives, being ruled by said Persian speaking cities.
And of course there was my family. There was so much wrong in my family, and my dad had died too. These aren’t experiences that I could ever really explain to any of my friends. So, they often slowly stopped being my friends, since they never really knew me anyway.
Then there was UWC. An opportunity that I thought I had for a better life. And each time that I applied, the more privileged kids from already pretty well-off and healthy families were the ones that were accepted. Me? They knew my story. And they didn’t care one fucking bit. I didn’t fit in their criteria, so I had to fix everything myself. And I had to watch the Instagram stories of the people who had gotten accepted, living the life I had dreamed of, except worse, because they couldn’t make as much of it as I would have been able to. And there was definitely nepotism in their selection process too.
So, for years, of course, I have been angry. As anyone would have been, if they had dreamed of the possibility of a good life as much as I had in the midst of the actuality of shit that I was living in. Now, I still feel angry and hateful. So I wonder if this will ever end, and if I’ll ever be able to let go. But then, how can justness be brought to world if people just let things go? And then again, how much can I ever change anything?
Getting over unfairness is such a difficult thing. Anger is rightful, you know it. Those people who hurt you deserve to be cursed. But as you curse them, doesn’t your soul blacken a little bit? Maybe it does. Maybe some people are fine with their soul darkening, if they know that something will improve because of it. Am I? I think my soul is already as sullen as a really terrible tattoo that’s there to stay.